11.29.10

Too many thoughts in my head.  Must write them all down.  Must be less of a hypocrite.  Must sleep.

Goodnight.

Let it Go

I don't like feeling stressed.  I may bring it upon myself at times, but the feeling is the same no matter what.
I don't really know how to get rid of the stress until the things that I have to do are done.  I am getting a little bit better about not being overwhelmed though.  I think.
I can't decide if it would be better to list all of the things that are potentially adding to my stress right now, and then calm down.  Or if I should just calm down, and take everything one step at a time.  Honestly, I'll probably make a list.

It's truly amazing how much Sleep is a factor in Stress.
Even if there isn't anything stressful happening in your life at the moment, if you're sleep deprived at all you will feel stressed in some way.  Similarly, being and feeling stressed causes you to become more tired quicker.
That last part was my own theory, but it makes sense, doesn't it?

--

I have a lot of ideas about how people can become more awesome, and I'm working on putting all of those ideas together in one place.  I guess we'll see how that goes?  But it shouldn't be terribly difficult, just write a bit here and there as my days go by; collecting theories and thoughts and adding on them bit by bit.

I have the feeling that I will be very busy this weekend.  At least I hope so.  Because that means that next weekend I won't have to stress about what is currently occupying my thoughts any more.  And that will be a sweet relief.

Dee

Today, I will

Make Lists.

Dee

Disappointment

That's all I've been feeling for a couple of days.  Disappointment at myself, at other people, at the day in general, at my thoughts.
I have so many things to say, but when I get the chance to say them, or to write them, my brain locks them up and doesn't let them out.

Why is life so confusing?
Why can't I hit the fast forward button?
Why do other people affect me so much?

I feel like I have to make myself write, and I don't like that.  I want to to be as easy as breathing.
I feel like every thought I have is unfinished.  I like answers, I like endings.

Crying is supposed to be healthy, it balances out the hormones and emotions swirling around in your brain.  Why, then, does it feel so awful?  So terribly, completely hopeless.  Like every shred of happiness is coming out as tears, and every bit of healthiness is coming out as snot.
Even the days when you're having the most fun, you can't stop laughing about silly things that other people don't understand, the back of your mind keeps you from being completely blissfully happy.  It says "wait."  and you listen.  Your laughter is cut short and you start to wonder, is this really funny?
You can't just let yourself not care if it's funny or not.  You can't just laugh without feeling somehow guilty or wrong about it.  But when you cry you feel like you're the only one crying.  You're the only one upset, so it's silly that you should even be upset.
You feel like every emotion you have is wrong.  You're on a different level than the people around you because you're grumpy when they're lighthearted, or you're only smiling while they're laughing.  Or you're crying and they're not.

You try and turn everything into Productivity.
I need to clean my room, it will make me feel better.
I need to clean the kitchen, it will make not only me but everybody else feel better.
I need to learn about this, it will make me feel happier Some Day.
Why does it all have to be about Feeling Productive?  It's good to sit on the couch all day in your sweatpants watching hours of TV.  It's good to sleep all day.  It's good to not worry about what might happen if you do this, or don't do this.

I feel like I have to conform to the rest of the world.  My brain should be a neat filing system that can access the Right Thing at the Right Time.  My thoughts are all in order, nothing is out of place or incomplete.
The rest of the world doesn't have its shit together.  Why should I?
Why do we feel like we have to be what people think we are?  They might not even think that, but we think they think that.  We don't think it about them, so why do we think they think it about us?

Why are we so seemingly strong, when in reality we're amazingly fragile.
People say babies are like sponges, they absorb everything.  What makes teenagers and adults different?  We absorb everything just like babies.  We are babies.  We get our feelings hurt for no reason, we get squished and rearranged like play-doh.  Once you "grow up" you don't become like stone.  You're just as pliable, if not more so, than any baby or child.  You learn to care about things that don't matter.
Everybody gets their feelings hurt.  Why do we pretend like we don't?  Why do we allow our feelings to be hurt?
Why are we so stubborn, so damn pigheaded, so spiteful?

Why does there have to be conflict?
Why does it have to be somebodies Fault?

How can all these questions be answered?

Dee

Dilemmas

I used to be one of those people who had ideas and stories and alternate worlds swirling around in their heads at all times.  Why haven't I been able to come up with any story ideas lately?  This is awful.  Sure, I've written small bits of almost-stories in the last month or so, but nothing that I care enough about or am inspired enough to write more of!  Maybe I should dig through all of my old scraps of paper and index cards and try and find something that I care enough about to write a lot about.  I have a whole drawer full of these papers and index cards, and that doesn't even include any notebooks, which are jam-packed with stuff!
All I want to do is write.  I like writing, I like having something to think about all the time that has nothing to do with real life.  I like coming up with people and places and different ideas and the flaws of characters.  I think one of my favorite things about writing fiction is pointing out the flaws of characters.  I may not be as good at this as I think, but I still enjoy it.

Maybe I should re-visit a story that I used to love a lot.

It's like my mind used to be a pool of awesome, but now it's all dried up.  How do I get it to be not quite so dry?  I need rain! 
I need inspiration.  All I do is sit here all the time, and there's absolutely nothing inspiring about where I live.  Not compared to other places that I've lived.  I need a new setting.

On an unrelated note, I refuse to think about anything past Thanksgiving until Black Friday.
Dee

Feels Like

I was driving home earlier, listening to the radio.  When I drive, especially for two hours on long, straight roads, I get really bored.  My copilot fell asleep, so I decided to listen to some music.  I didn't put in a CD for two reasons.  1. The CD player only works when it feels like it, and 2. I couldn't search around for the CD case and pick a CD going 55mph.  So I turned on, and sang along with, the radio.
I enjoy singing along to the radio, and thankfully (maybe?) I knew most of the words to about half of the songs.  However, they were all terrible songs.  Why I know most of the words, I'm not quite sure, seeing as I never listen to these songs.  But hey, it got me all the way home without falling asleep, and that's always good.

Well, since I've been home I haven't listened to any music that I picked out, partly because I left my ipod at the place in which I have just returned from.  So all the songs in my head have been pretty much crappy.  Not necessarily the same crappy songs as the what I heard on the radio, but crappy nonetheless.

In other news, I have a theory that if you don't mention daylight savings time at all, and all you do is change your clocks and don't think about how "well it's 5 but it feels like 6!" you'll be fine.  Stop telling yourself it would be six yesterday this time.  No!  It's five!  It's not that big of a deal, we can't really change the tradition of Daylight Savings Time, we just can't!  So all we can do is accept it, and stop saying what time it would be yesterday now.  It's confusing and keeps us from moving forward.

Stay warm,
Dee

Alongside You

"How my dreams they spin me 'round
And how my dreams they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down" 


Dee

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