To Be

I like being the only person awake late at night because it's quiet.

It's warm and dark, and I can dance around and watch whatever I want on TV and do silly things without feeling silly because I know nobody's about to walk through the room.  It's quiet, so I'm quiet.  I don't have to turn the TV up over the noise of people living, and I don't feel the need to add to the clutter of noises when I'm messing around in the kitchen.  I feel like a ghost, but insanely alive. 

There's a good feel in the house when I'm dancing in the living room watching TV.

Not concerned, just Being.

I feel like I'm the only person awake right now in the world.  I can do whatever I want.

I am in control.

Part of me doesn't want to go to sleep.  To turn out the lights and lay in the dark listening to my own thoughts.  Waiting for sleep to take my mind.  To wake up remembering images from dreams, to hear people Clattering around and moving.  Doing.  To wake up and be disoriented, my senses being forced to react. 

Light and sounds of day.  The coldness of air against my awakened skin, and the stale smell of sleep bottled in my small room.  An overload of life.

No longer in the peaceful Standstill of Time and the way it passes in fragments during the night, as if it isn't passing at all.

It's as if our unconscious is right, when we're asleep we don't feel time passing.  Except perhaps very, very slowly and imperceptibly.

When we're awake when everyone's asleep, it is the same.
Dee

11.29.10

Too many thoughts in my head.  Must write them all down.  Must be less of a hypocrite.  Must sleep.

Goodnight.

Let it Go

I don't like feeling stressed.  I may bring it upon myself at times, but the feeling is the same no matter what.
I don't really know how to get rid of the stress until the things that I have to do are done.  I am getting a little bit better about not being overwhelmed though.  I think.
I can't decide if it would be better to list all of the things that are potentially adding to my stress right now, and then calm down.  Or if I should just calm down, and take everything one step at a time.  Honestly, I'll probably make a list.

It's truly amazing how much Sleep is a factor in Stress.
Even if there isn't anything stressful happening in your life at the moment, if you're sleep deprived at all you will feel stressed in some way.  Similarly, being and feeling stressed causes you to become more tired quicker.
That last part was my own theory, but it makes sense, doesn't it?

--

I have a lot of ideas about how people can become more awesome, and I'm working on putting all of those ideas together in one place.  I guess we'll see how that goes?  But it shouldn't be terribly difficult, just write a bit here and there as my days go by; collecting theories and thoughts and adding on them bit by bit.

I have the feeling that I will be very busy this weekend.  At least I hope so.  Because that means that next weekend I won't have to stress about what is currently occupying my thoughts any more.  And that will be a sweet relief.

Dee

Today, I will

Make Lists.

Dee

Disappointment

That's all I've been feeling for a couple of days.  Disappointment at myself, at other people, at the day in general, at my thoughts.
I have so many things to say, but when I get the chance to say them, or to write them, my brain locks them up and doesn't let them out.

Why is life so confusing?
Why can't I hit the fast forward button?
Why do other people affect me so much?

I feel like I have to make myself write, and I don't like that.  I want to to be as easy as breathing.
I feel like every thought I have is unfinished.  I like answers, I like endings.

Crying is supposed to be healthy, it balances out the hormones and emotions swirling around in your brain.  Why, then, does it feel so awful?  So terribly, completely hopeless.  Like every shred of happiness is coming out as tears, and every bit of healthiness is coming out as snot.
Even the days when you're having the most fun, you can't stop laughing about silly things that other people don't understand, the back of your mind keeps you from being completely blissfully happy.  It says "wait."  and you listen.  Your laughter is cut short and you start to wonder, is this really funny?
You can't just let yourself not care if it's funny or not.  You can't just laugh without feeling somehow guilty or wrong about it.  But when you cry you feel like you're the only one crying.  You're the only one upset, so it's silly that you should even be upset.
You feel like every emotion you have is wrong.  You're on a different level than the people around you because you're grumpy when they're lighthearted, or you're only smiling while they're laughing.  Or you're crying and they're not.

You try and turn everything into Productivity.
I need to clean my room, it will make me feel better.
I need to clean the kitchen, it will make not only me but everybody else feel better.
I need to learn about this, it will make me feel happier Some Day.
Why does it all have to be about Feeling Productive?  It's good to sit on the couch all day in your sweatpants watching hours of TV.  It's good to sleep all day.  It's good to not worry about what might happen if you do this, or don't do this.

I feel like I have to conform to the rest of the world.  My brain should be a neat filing system that can access the Right Thing at the Right Time.  My thoughts are all in order, nothing is out of place or incomplete.
The rest of the world doesn't have its shit together.  Why should I?
Why do we feel like we have to be what people think we are?  They might not even think that, but we think they think that.  We don't think it about them, so why do we think they think it about us?

Why are we so seemingly strong, when in reality we're amazingly fragile.
People say babies are like sponges, they absorb everything.  What makes teenagers and adults different?  We absorb everything just like babies.  We are babies.  We get our feelings hurt for no reason, we get squished and rearranged like play-doh.  Once you "grow up" you don't become like stone.  You're just as pliable, if not more so, than any baby or child.  You learn to care about things that don't matter.
Everybody gets their feelings hurt.  Why do we pretend like we don't?  Why do we allow our feelings to be hurt?
Why are we so stubborn, so damn pigheaded, so spiteful?

Why does there have to be conflict?
Why does it have to be somebodies Fault?

How can all these questions be answered?

Dee

Dilemmas

I used to be one of those people who had ideas and stories and alternate worlds swirling around in their heads at all times.  Why haven't I been able to come up with any story ideas lately?  This is awful.  Sure, I've written small bits of almost-stories in the last month or so, but nothing that I care enough about or am inspired enough to write more of!  Maybe I should dig through all of my old scraps of paper and index cards and try and find something that I care enough about to write a lot about.  I have a whole drawer full of these papers and index cards, and that doesn't even include any notebooks, which are jam-packed with stuff!
All I want to do is write.  I like writing, I like having something to think about all the time that has nothing to do with real life.  I like coming up with people and places and different ideas and the flaws of characters.  I think one of my favorite things about writing fiction is pointing out the flaws of characters.  I may not be as good at this as I think, but I still enjoy it.

Maybe I should re-visit a story that I used to love a lot.

It's like my mind used to be a pool of awesome, but now it's all dried up.  How do I get it to be not quite so dry?  I need rain! 
I need inspiration.  All I do is sit here all the time, and there's absolutely nothing inspiring about where I live.  Not compared to other places that I've lived.  I need a new setting.

On an unrelated note, I refuse to think about anything past Thanksgiving until Black Friday.
Dee

Feels Like

I was driving home earlier, listening to the radio.  When I drive, especially for two hours on long, straight roads, I get really bored.  My copilot fell asleep, so I decided to listen to some music.  I didn't put in a CD for two reasons.  1. The CD player only works when it feels like it, and 2. I couldn't search around for the CD case and pick a CD going 55mph.  So I turned on, and sang along with, the radio.
I enjoy singing along to the radio, and thankfully (maybe?) I knew most of the words to about half of the songs.  However, they were all terrible songs.  Why I know most of the words, I'm not quite sure, seeing as I never listen to these songs.  But hey, it got me all the way home without falling asleep, and that's always good.

Well, since I've been home I haven't listened to any music that I picked out, partly because I left my ipod at the place in which I have just returned from.  So all the songs in my head have been pretty much crappy.  Not necessarily the same crappy songs as the what I heard on the radio, but crappy nonetheless.

In other news, I have a theory that if you don't mention daylight savings time at all, and all you do is change your clocks and don't think about how "well it's 5 but it feels like 6!" you'll be fine.  Stop telling yourself it would be six yesterday this time.  No!  It's five!  It's not that big of a deal, we can't really change the tradition of Daylight Savings Time, we just can't!  So all we can do is accept it, and stop saying what time it would be yesterday now.  It's confusing and keeps us from moving forward.

Stay warm,
Dee

Alongside You

"How my dreams they spin me 'round
And how my dreams they let me down
And how my thoughts they spin me 'round
And how my thoughts they let me down" 


Dee

[link]

Confidence?

I'm afraid of making a fool of myself.
If I feel like I'm going to fail at doing something new, or doing something in front of people, especially people whose opinions I care about, I will most likely talk myself out of doing it.  I refrain from saying a lot of things because I'm afraid that people will laugh or judge me.  I don't like people to doubt me or challenge something I'm saying.  I understand we may have different opinions and I'm okay with that, a good debating conversation can be fantastic.  But look, what I'm saying is the truth, it's not just an opinion and it's not just what I think should happen.
I think this holds me back when I'm writing, sometimes.  I start thinking about how my friends and especially my family will react and then I worry that what I'm doing could be better.  Then I worry about my writing being sub-part.  If you were to compare it to somebody else's writings, I automatically assume you think theirs is better.  I assume theirs is better.

This feels unfinished....
Happy Halloween
Dee

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Fall always makes me want to write.

I get so inspired by everything, the upcoming holidays, the food, the weather, the smells.  I start to feel really productive on the first honest to God cold front, and from there it just escalates.  

You can't help but to feel refreshed in the middle of October.  You feel like patting yourself on the back.  "Look what I just made it through, over 100 degrees during the day!"  Not to mention the hurricanes and tropical storms that you may have encountered.  But then autumn hits and it's like none of that happened.  You're here now, wearing jeans and not sweating, and the air smells sweet. 

Springtime is when you're supposed to feel refreshed and revitalized.  You just made it through a bleak winter, and now you get to start new!  That's when most people open all the doors and windows and start cleaning out their closets.  Not me, spring is when I realize that I have to start digging out my shorts.  Fall is when I throw open the windows and scrub down my baseboards.  I have an insane urge to clean in October.  I want everything looking nice so it's not messing with my mood.  Then you get to really enjoy the season.  You have jeans, you have sweaters, you have soup, and you can drink a hot cup of coffee on the porch without feeling a little crazy. 

After you enjoy it for a little while, then the anticipation sets in.  Look at all that I have to look forward to from here on out.  As soon as people start decorating for Halloween, and talking about what they're going to dress up as, and where they're going, you know the Holiday Season has begun.  From now until the January its' a steady dose of occasions.

Halloween kicks it off, obviously, at the end of October, and then in November, before you can even start thinking about sweet potato casserole, you have three or four birthdays.  Alright, now we can get onto a fantastic week of Thanksgiving at Grandma's house.  Whew!  Then it's immediately time for all things Christmas.  This is when everything kicks up a notch.  The whole month of December is Christmas.  Baking and decorating and cooking and planning and more decorating.  Buying and wrapping and eating and baking and waiting, and waiting, and then December 25th is finally here!  And then it's gone.  But look at all this junk you have now!

Even after that's over, you have New Year's to look forward to.  Even if you don't do anything completely outrageous, and even if you're not a big fan of football, its a good transitional holiday after what you've been through.  And it's a big sigh of relief to make it into the next year.

I can't wait.

Dee

Alrighty Then

I haven't been writing.  It's because I'm either lazy, or I think I'm busy from years of being lazy.

Anyways, October is turning out to be as fantastic as I was hoping, with a few side effects of procrastination.  And I've decided that I would like to start writing more.  I need direction when I'm writing, or else everything will turn into me rambling about whatever.  That's not what I want.
Also, I'm ready to take an English class again.  I don't particularly love any aspect of school, but I especially 100% prefer English classes over math classes.  But I'm stuck for another two months.

xxx
Dee

Commitment Issues

Sometimes I'll start a really good post, and the first few sentences are great.  Then I'll lose my train of thought, or it turns out my point wasn't that strong.  So I'll save the post in my drafts, hoping to go back to it later.

I have several unfinished posts in my drafts.

Goodnight.

An Afternoon Nap in the Sun

I'm trying not to be whiny, I'm not sure if it's working.

Today, for some reason, I am ridiculously comfortable.

It's not different from any other day, from what I can tell.  But all day I've just been in a good place, I don't know how to really describe it.  It's like the fourth day of staying at a beach house.  You're finally at home enough not to worry too much about staying in a house that isn't yours with people who you don't normally live with, and you're not yet concerned about what you have to do after your week at the beach. 

I guess it just feels...warm.  I don't know, that's the best explanation I can give, but I like it.  Why can't every day have this feeling?

Dee

Not My Burden

How do you know if life is treating you well?

Maybe it's whether we're treating ourselves well....

I find that I write more when I'm talking less.  Not that I'm being antisocial, but recently I think I've been more introverted and thoughtful.

Maybe we have a weekly quota of talkativeness.  If I talk a lot for the first three days of the week, then the next four I seem to have nothing to say to anybody.

I'm exhausting myself with ideas.  Be Productive. Run Your Own Life. Be a Free Thinker and Understand. 

What about Take a Chill Pill.  Let Whatever Happens Happen.  Don't Analyze Everything.

Life is a work in progress.  After a couple weeks of driving myself I'm not going to worry anymore.  I'm settled into something and I can't make decisions for long-term plans yet.

I'm riding this out.

Brain Rot

I don't know where I'll be living in a year, and it's kind of exciting.

I've realized that I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.  And I'm a little scared to voice what I want in case I fall short.  It's like when you start a project that you're extremely excited for, so you immediately tell like five people, and then three days later you realize how silly your idea was and don't end up following through.  I like follow-through but it's difficult, and you lose heart a lot.  Sometimes you feel like what you're doing is silly or pointless, even though it started out with exceptional potential.
Maybe I should approach things like learning to dance.  When you learn to dance, you learn the very basic moves and then you slowly begin to build on those, step-by-step, until you can dance without thinking about it.  Maybe I should It might be better if I take things step-by-step, so as not to get overwhelmed by expectations.

In unrelated news, I'm ready for October.  October is my very favorite month, you can feel the weather changing, and you can see the cacophony of holidays coming up, and it's just nice.  If I didn't get so cold in the winter, I'd move to a more northern state where you can see the leaves changing.  September feels like it's running long.  This is such a tiresome month, it's hardly in my Top 5, and this year it seems to be particularly lagging.
I'm tiring myself out.  All of this recent Optimism and Positivity has been great, and I want to continue on that general path, but sometimes you just need to sit in your pajamas all day watching movies and rotting your brain.  Well I've been in that frame of mind for about a week and a half now, and while I'm tired of it because it makes me feel even more like a lazy bum, I can't seem to bring myself to be as productive and positive as I was before.  I suppose it's a work in progress.

Dee

Out of the Blue

You know that feeling you get when you're given music that fits, and you didn't realize you were looking for it?

Humans vs Elephants

I read something last night that said humans have a powerful memory, and I realized just now that it's very true.  Yesterday, September 11th, the feeling of the day in media and in conversation was the same feeling as the year before and the year before that.  I understand, Support our Troops, God Bless those who've lost, Never Forget, it makes sense.  It hasn't even been 10 years, so I'm not judging, but it makes me wonder how long it's going to be until that same atmosphere isn't over the day.  When can we, as humans or as a nation, let it go as something horrible that happened, but that we're recovering?  I think it will be a very, very long time.  There are still days commemorating WWII and before.  With good reason, it's good to remember and be thankful and acknowledge, but why do we have to dwell so much on the past?  Why can't we as humans let these things go, after a certain point?

  If, on February 18th you are suddenly reminded or struck with the thought of things that happened on 9/11/01, then take a moment and feel what you're feeling.  Yesterday wasn't my day to feel what maybe I'm "supposed" to feel about the day.  But that doesn't mean I won't feel like that at some point.
Maybe more people are remembering and feeling what they felt nine years ago today, rather than how they felt the day before.  Yesterday is the official acknowledgment, but maybe today is when people really stop to think about it.  Especially the people who were directly effected.  Who lost someone they loved.  How were they feeling the day after the attack?

We hold grudges, and we put a lot of stock into things that happened a long time ago that aren't affecting us anymore at all.  Elephants have very good memories, but do they celebrate birthdays?  And anniversaries of when they met each other? And that One Time a lion attacked them?  I don't know, but somehow I doubt it.  Maybe we should try and be more like elephants.
Recognize and Realize, but don't weigh yourself down with the burden of Remembering.
Which isn't to say we shouldn't celebrate anniversaries and holidays, or that we shouldn't take a moment to think about That Thing that happened x-amount of years ago on this day; I just think we should relax a little.

xxx
Dee

Comfort & Intrigue

Why am I so intrigued by blogs?  I like writing in this style, and I like putting my thoughts out there into the webiverse.  I adore reading blogs, I can sit for hours reading different blogs and checking out all sorts of styles within this single format of display.
Maybe it has to do with the endless possibilities of these Regular Joe's, and their fascinating minds, giving enough of a crap to put what they think and feel and see into a format that anybody can see.  It's a documentation of peoples lives, a thought process.  Blogs are an endless list of human intelligence put to use for the sake of satisfaction.

For me, my blog is like my bedroom.  The way it looks, colors and knick-knacks etc., create a feeling and an atmosphere.  It's the first impression of a space that either makes you want to stay and make yourself at home, or find out else there is do discover here.  The difference is, with my room this is all my space I don't have to share it with a single person.  I can lock myself in and know that I'm in my corner of space.  But with this blog, I want to share it, and get it out into the world wide web and have people experience it.  I want people to see what I have to say, and I want it to affect them.
To make them smile, or make them think, or maybe to help them pass the time in a good or interesting way.  I don't want to be an ant among an anthill.  I want to make a difference to a person that I've never met.  I want my life to be worthwhile.  I don't know how to do that yet.

Dee

Chatter Box

I often get the feeling I talk too much.

When I'm in a talkative mood I tend to be a complete chatterbox with the inability to shut up and my filter system is very low.  Thus, I often make a fool out of myself or say confusing, roundabout things.  And yet I continue to say things in the same manner, but don't realize until after I've said it that I may have screwed myself over - filter system.
Luckily, I usually don't talk your ear off if I haven't known you that long.  So by the time you know me and won't think I'm a complete idiot as soon as I say something idiotic and rambling, my filter system shuts down and I talk your ear off.  Sometimes I feel sorry for my friends, and yet they continue to stick with me.

Do you ever get the feeling you're bothering someone when you're doing a lot of talking and they're either not talking at all or barely holding up their end of the conversation?  You tend to feel worse especially if they are your friend, if you're doing all the talking in a conversation with an acquaintance, well what do you expect?  But if you're talking with a good friend and they're not talking back....
 I try and apply my talkative tendencies to writing, but somehow I lose steam faster than when I'm actually talking.  I think it has to do with staying on subject.  When I'm talking a mile a minute I'll jump from topic to topic with barely a segue.  Yet when I'm writing, I at least attempt to focus on the subject at hand.
Hm, I should maybe work on that.

Happy Labor Day weekend,
Dee

Happy September!

I was busy every weekend in August, go figure.  But now it's September and aside from starting school I have nothing on my agenda this month.  I'm dedicating myself to finding happiness in everyday, humdrum life, and reporting what I discover.

I'm going to make an effort in my life.  

I've decided to help my brother, as well.  

                                                   He's unaware of my decision.
But I think it will be a good change of pace for
him to do productive and/or meaningful things.

Happiness is Universal,
Dee

Things to do Every Day

 Listen to good music.

Do something productive.

DON'T PIG OUT ON JUNK FOOD.

Talk to people you enjoy.

be outside.

Read or experience something inspirational.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND BE AT PEACE WITH YOUR DECISION.

Accept it or Change it.

Greet the day with a positive outlook.
make up your mind to be happy.

Go to bed feeling fulfilled.

Look for small things to be joyful about.

xxx,

Dee

Unrelated Topics

Part 1
Every time one month comes to an end I feel a little panicky.  What have I been doing for the last month, it seems like it went by so fast and I haven't done much of anything.  But then I stop.  I flip my calender to the new month; I realize that even though July went by quickly, and even though August will most likely go by quickly, I can enjoy these next few days of a new time.  It feels like a clean slate.  There's nothing on my agenda tying me to anything yet.  I have all month to do whatever I like.  Then slowly, the squares are marked by black letters predicting good times and new situations.
The refreshing blankness is replaced by the promise of something interesting.  Time is ever moving forward, and to try and hold it back is pointless.  Day by day your situation will change, no matter how subtle, and the best way to accept this is to take charge and make the decisions.  Don't let the universe decide for you, and then later be angry about how things have turned out.

Part 2
People are pack rats.  They try and hold on to so many things at once that they end up living in a musty, retro version of the present.  They clutter their lives and homes with so many things and it makes it difficult to breath.  The overcrowding isn't healthy or happy.
On the flip side you have the people who have practically no nik-naks on their desks.  Their bookshelves only hold books, nothing more.  Is this a sign of clarity and happiness, or is it cold emptiness?
The problem isn't so much letting go, its wondering what's going to happen to your stuff.  Humans are possessive.  We like knowing what is Ours and what is Everyone Else's.  But the problem with this is that it's just baggage - emotional and literal baggage.  In order to free ourselves and live in the present, looking toward the future, we need to pack up our overstuffed closets and throw things away.  Pass books on to friends, and give your old clothes to Good Will.
I may not be able to open my closet without something falling out, but sometimes I live in denial while assuming I know the answer to other peoples problems.

xxx
L

Gratification

Sometimes accomplishing something, no matter how small, can make your day seem worthwhile. 

-L

Mind Control

I am the third of four children, my sister and I are very close in age, and our brother is only 5 years older than me, my other brother is 6 years younger than I am.  All four of us were homeschooled, in a very unscheduled environment.  My mother is the first to admit she used the TV as a babysitter.
This has clearly carried through my life; when I wake up in the morning I will 9 times out of 10 watch TV while I drink my coffee.  I don't think of myself as a couch potato, and sure I watch crappy TV possibly more than quality TV, but I like to think that I appreciate television.  I realize my addiction to cheesy reality shows and bad sit-coms.  But I also recognize timeless, all-around-good-time TV shows.  You can't argue with Friends and the Cosby Show.

There are a lot of cartoons and other shows from my childhood that I really want to see again.  Reading Rainbow was one of my favorite shows as a kid.  LeVar Burton pretty much kicked ass, and this was before I knew he was on Star Trek!
Television is part of my life, I embrace it fully and accept it in all its terrible advertising.  I trash talk behind its back, I yell at my huge, blocky TV set, and I admit that occasionally I am ashamed of certain shows or movies that I'm watching.  Those are the times that I stay up after everybody has gone to bed and watch whatever I want.  Sometimes I'm awake at such times regardless, and if I can't fall asleep, why not watch some Late Night TV?

Talk shows are good for the media-addicted soul.
You get a little of everything.  Movie reviews, actors and writers, book reviews, human conflict, world news.  It's got some of everything, you can't go wrong.  For reasons like this, I respect Oprah, she may not be my favorite talk show host, but she's got a good thing going.  She made it for herself and gives back in more ways than just giving people houses and $2000 blenders.  She provides a variety of entertainment on a daily basis.  Honestly I will be kind of sad when her show is no longer airing new every single day.  But I don't fear for the talk show industry, you can watch any day-time talk shows, or any late-night talk shows you want, or you could watch repeats of the Oprah show.  Hey it's old news but if that floats your boat, who am I to hold you back?

I could go on about my love of reality and competition shows, but I won't because I have something else I want to bring up.  But I will say this: Reality shows (The Kardashians, Teen Mom, etc.) and competition shows (Project Runway, American Idol, etc.) provide an observation of people.  Sure it's a eunique situation, I don't act the same when I'm at home with my family as I do when I'm at home with my family with a video crew(not that that's happened).  But I think that's part of the appeal, it's watching a different way for people to live.  Competition shows are also very interesting because you're putting these people in a situation that they're clearly passionate about, and expecting them to perform at their best and then be judged on it.

The point I really wanted to bring up, however, was about books vs television.
Books have been a constant through my life for forever.  My parents read to me as a child and my love of literature of many kinds has only grown since then.  I know this is an issue in society nowadays, but I believe there can be a good balance of TV and Books.  I read every day, but I also watch TV every day.  They're such different ways of telling a story, that they almost can't be compared.  They obviously are compared, but unless you're exposed to both I don't know if you can truly appreciate them equally.  Often I think I'm more on the Books Rock, TV is melting your brain side, but actually I think I want people to be able to recognize books as being as important as TV and movies.  I also want people to realize that you don't have to turn every single best-selling book into a movie.  Much less a 3-D movie.  This new wave of Every Movie Is 3-D really frustrates me.  I don't particularly love 3-D, it kind of freaks me out and I only half of the time wear my 3-D glasses when I'm in the dark movie theater.
But anyways, just because I think I know better than a lot of people doesn't mean I want to tell them what to do.  I just want them to already be doing it the way I want it done.  That makes me sound full of myself, but isn't it the truth?  Don't you want people to do things the way you want them done?

I've said what I came to say, and this is now a very long blog.
xxx,
L

Making it Happen

So about a week ago I had a major change of course.  My plans for the upcoming year could not be followed through with, and I had to re-navigate what I was going to do.  I was very down-and-out at first, but after a talk with my brother, and a weekend where I didn't have to think about it, I believe I have a better perspective on what I will be doing with my next year of life.

Instead of worrying about growing up and getting a job and going to school, I'm going to live in the moment.  I try to live by this philosophy, but for the next 12 months I'm really going to embrace it.  My new-year's resolution starts now.  I don't want to set myself up for failure in thinking this, but I would like to start making things happen.  I want to be realistic about my goals, but I want to dream big.  Almost all the cliche's come into play right now, and I want to make them work.  I may not have a concrete plan just yet, but I think I'm going to start figuring this stuff out.  I will get to a point where these thoughts will become actions that I can carry through.  I don't want these opportunities to slip through my fingers, I don't want to be bogged down by real-world responsibilities just yet.

Plan A fell through, but Plan B is being formed and put into play.

I'm feeling optimistic about this, but I need to check myself.  I don't want to be so absorbed with the idea that I fall back to my roots and end up disappointing myself by not carrying through.

My first step will be to have a steady form of documentation.  Be it this blog, or a personal journal, maybe I can photograph my day-to-day ventures.  This is the age of communication, why not realize that and use it to my advantage?

Step 1 of Plan B:

Find a notebook

I left my notebook at my brothers house recently, but it was almost full anyways.  This is actually one of my favorite times of year because every school or office supply you could possibly think of is at a ridiculously low price.  Staples here I come!

Much Love,
L

Sunshine and Daisies

People always like to say things like "Seize the day!" and "Control your own fate!" and "Live in the moment", or "Live like today is your last".

I'm having some trouble with that right now.  Mostly because I feel like I"m on house arrest.  I don't leave my house, this isn't by choice.  I"m not agoraphobic, I just have a lack of transportation and no friends who live nearby.  The closest friend is about 45 minutes away, but she has a life, not to mention she's moving in a couple of weeks.
It would appear that I will have no opportunity to change my current path until roughly August.  It could be more like mid-July, but I doubt it somehow.  Because even though I'll have more transportation, as aforementioned all my friends will be gone.  Okay, I really don't want to think about this anymore.

So I have a new topic:
Why do I always end up writing when I'm in a hopeless mood?  Or angry.  Either way, its almost always a negative emotion.  I don't like it, it's frustrating and tiring and I don't like being sad or angry or unhappy.  It makes me feel alone and stuck.  Like there's no end in sight, I won't be getting out of this mood because whats the point?  I don't care how hot it is, tomorrow I'm going for a bike ride.
One day, I swear, I am going to live within walking distance of a beach.  It's always there. It's pretty, even when it's gray.  There's typically some good people watching.  Nobody bothers you.  You can walk around or just sit or lay in the sand.  I'm comfortable when I'm at the beach.  Never mind the sunburns and sand in your book, I'm willing to deal with those things. 

Need a Moment?

Do you ever wish you could pause time?
Just for a couple of hours.  To get a nap or talk to a friend, or jut a little extra time to get things done.

Today I have a massive case of this.  I don't know if it's because my brain is foggy, or maybe I'm just a little too tired.  But I really could use an hour or two of time to sleep and finish this schoolwork.  Or even more time to devote to the mixtape I'm trying to make.
Which leads me to my next point:
Why is it so hard to pick decent - or any - songs for this thing?  Does it once again have to do with lack of sleep?  Or rather lack of ambition partially due to discouraging words?  I'd really like a clearer mental picture of what I'm doing before I take a break, but unfortunately I think a break would do me good before I frustrate myself too much with this thing.

Another thing I'm worried about with this mixtape, which is for my brother, is...what if I lame up and don't finish it at all?  What if this is as far as I get?  What if I do end up finishing it and am happy with it, but he doesn't like it?

I guess I'll worry about this later, until then - it's naptime.
L

Note: The original title for this post was "A Soundtrack for Lost Time", but I'm considering using that for a) another blog entry, b) the title to a mixtape [hah], or c) a title for something else entirely.

Edit: apparently the universe's answer to my plea to pause time was to give me a power-outage for four hours. Not quite what I had in mind.

Mistreatment of the Bad Guy

You hear about super heroes all the time.  Comic book style, or cartoon, or just your Average Joe or Jill turned Hero.  You get a brief history on them and how they turned Hero, then you follow them through their adventures.  What I want to know, is why don't you get the same from Villains?  I mean sure, there might be a couple overlooked full-stories from Villains, but they just don't get the same treatment.
I understand that people like to root for the Good Guy, but doesn't the Bad Guy deserve to tell his story?  Maybe that's the reason he doesn't have a story, he wasn't willing enough to share.  But honestly, how did these people turn evil?  They weren't born that way, surely.  I understand that there are brief histories of these characters, but we only see them from the Good Guy's point of view. 
I'm not a comic book person, or for that matter much of a superhero person.  But I like stories and I like to know how things got to where they are now.  If I were to have read comic books or watched things like The Fantastic Four maybe I wouldn't be writing this blog.  The point of the matter is, Super Villains and the like should be able to tell their story if they so wish and have it recognized as something more than a kid turned bad.
Let's look at the Disney/Pixar movie, The Incredibles.  Now, we don't get the whole story from the super heroes here, but we know more or less how they came to this point.  What we don't know, even though we get the gist of it, is how Syndrome, the super villain, got to own his own island, and how he acquired....everything.  All we know about him, is he was dissed by Mr. Incredible, and set out to destroy super heroes.  Well what I want to know is, what was happening in his life that Mr. Incredible was his only role model?  Or maybe he wasn't Syndrome's only role model, but the most important and prominent one.  How can one brush-off turn into a kid turning into a villain willing and aiming to kill his once hero?

On another note, why are super heroes completely okay and willing to use their powers, typically newly acquired, to fight off evil?  If I had spider webs coming out of my hands, I don't think I'd be rushing out to save burning buildings.

Unanswered questions frustrate me to no end.
L

Electronically Challenged

Do I enjoy listening to crap-quality music? No.
Would you know this from hanging around me? No.
Am I a masochist? Probably.

The speakers on my computer, belovedly decorated as they are, suck; one doesn't even work, come to think of it.  Yet I continue to listen to music on my computer.  Sometimes I'll use my stereo and listen to the radio, but it's way staticy...or much more so than it should be.  I know what you're thinking -- why am I using my computer or listening to the radio if I have a perfectly good stereo that plays CD's?  The answer to this question is...my computer doesn't burn discs so the only CD's I have aren't my favorites.  Yes I have an ipod, and yes I have an ipod dock.  The problem there is, I forget to download new music.  So everything I have on my ipod at this time is old, dumb, or over-played.

Am I making excuses?  Absolutely.

Have a good Sunday, kids
L

EDIT: wow I sound relatively spoiled with a computer, stereo, and ipod/dock and still complaining.  But I swear they were all given to me, and my computer hardly works!

Raising Self Awareness

Do you ever feel like your world is falling apart?  Like maybe someone in the universe hates you?
Tonight, I did not have this experience.  However, my mood was shattered by some stressed-out, overtired overreactions.  So for now I'm camping out in my bedroom with music in my ears.  I think a part of me is scared to venture out into the rest of my house with my family; what was their reaction to my minor meltdown?  Luckily, after another thirty minutes or an hour I'll feel better and be able to see what they're all up to.  Which by that time will probably be sleeping.

On another note, I feel kind of guilty for not posting anything here...ever.  I've had several ideas for blogs, but turns out I was just too lazy to expand on the two or three sentences I had in my mind.  I promise my hypothetical readers, I will sincerely try to do better.

And another thing, how am I supposed to make my life productive this summer?  I currently have no car, no job, and an amazing ability to procrastinate.  Maybe I should work on the job part...but I don't quite know how to go about that.  I guess I'll figure something out sooner or later.  Although sooner would be better than later.

xxx
L

Welcome =)

Hi Everybody,

You can call me Leigh, and I love robots.  I don't know anything about building them or how they work, nor am I very interested.  Robots, to me, are adorable and that's why I named my blog after them.
I hope you all have a good day and enjoy some of the nonsensical stuff that goes on here.

xxx
L