Disappointment

That's all I've been feeling for a couple of days.  Disappointment at myself, at other people, at the day in general, at my thoughts.
I have so many things to say, but when I get the chance to say them, or to write them, my brain locks them up and doesn't let them out.

Why is life so confusing?
Why can't I hit the fast forward button?
Why do other people affect me so much?

I feel like I have to make myself write, and I don't like that.  I want to to be as easy as breathing.
I feel like every thought I have is unfinished.  I like answers, I like endings.

Crying is supposed to be healthy, it balances out the hormones and emotions swirling around in your brain.  Why, then, does it feel so awful?  So terribly, completely hopeless.  Like every shred of happiness is coming out as tears, and every bit of healthiness is coming out as snot.
Even the days when you're having the most fun, you can't stop laughing about silly things that other people don't understand, the back of your mind keeps you from being completely blissfully happy.  It says "wait."  and you listen.  Your laughter is cut short and you start to wonder, is this really funny?
You can't just let yourself not care if it's funny or not.  You can't just laugh without feeling somehow guilty or wrong about it.  But when you cry you feel like you're the only one crying.  You're the only one upset, so it's silly that you should even be upset.
You feel like every emotion you have is wrong.  You're on a different level than the people around you because you're grumpy when they're lighthearted, or you're only smiling while they're laughing.  Or you're crying and they're not.

You try and turn everything into Productivity.
I need to clean my room, it will make me feel better.
I need to clean the kitchen, it will make not only me but everybody else feel better.
I need to learn about this, it will make me feel happier Some Day.
Why does it all have to be about Feeling Productive?  It's good to sit on the couch all day in your sweatpants watching hours of TV.  It's good to sleep all day.  It's good to not worry about what might happen if you do this, or don't do this.

I feel like I have to conform to the rest of the world.  My brain should be a neat filing system that can access the Right Thing at the Right Time.  My thoughts are all in order, nothing is out of place or incomplete.
The rest of the world doesn't have its shit together.  Why should I?
Why do we feel like we have to be what people think we are?  They might not even think that, but we think they think that.  We don't think it about them, so why do we think they think it about us?

Why are we so seemingly strong, when in reality we're amazingly fragile.
People say babies are like sponges, they absorb everything.  What makes teenagers and adults different?  We absorb everything just like babies.  We are babies.  We get our feelings hurt for no reason, we get squished and rearranged like play-doh.  Once you "grow up" you don't become like stone.  You're just as pliable, if not more so, than any baby or child.  You learn to care about things that don't matter.
Everybody gets their feelings hurt.  Why do we pretend like we don't?  Why do we allow our feelings to be hurt?
Why are we so stubborn, so damn pigheaded, so spiteful?

Why does there have to be conflict?
Why does it have to be somebodies Fault?

How can all these questions be answered?

Dee